There’s a certain level of victim-blaming and prejudice when it comes to online love scams. But with these scams costing us $33.1 million as recently as 2020, and still on the rise, we can surmise it’s not just the “gullible and uneducated” who get caught. Scammers are getting more sophisticated every year, and are becoming more skilled at manipulating individual weak spots. Here’s a story of how a very capable business woman ended up falling for such a scam; and how she’s rebuilt and recovered:
Special thanks to Liza (not her real name) for her story and contribution.
An unexpected Facebook conversation and relationship
Liza was running her own web business in 2012, which had been around five years in the making. Without disclosing the name, we can say it was a portal site, which aggregated content and products from various other apparel and accessory stores. Liza says the business was an unexpected success, but cost a lot of her personal time:
“When I was running the business I was living an isolated life,” Liza says, “Every day was about work, replying to clients, dealing with issues with staff, which was my first time and I had never run a business before.
From eight in the morning till nearly one or two the next day, I would be vetting the site’s content, building up the content calendar, or just posting on social media. It’s a lonely existence for a 27-year-old.” Then sometime in December 2012, close to Christmas, Liza got a Facebook message from someone claiming to be a customer. It was a message to congratulate her business at first; but as the “customer” was quite charming, he was soon chatting to Liza on a personal basis.
The start of a typical compliance scam
Liza says that, also she didn’t know the term at the time, she now recognises the method used by the “customer” as a being a compliance scam (we’ll explain more below).
“It started with very small requests,” Liza said, “Like helping to send certain items that he couldn’t get, or sending over a few hundred dollars because he was stuck in an airport somewhere.”
The fake customer, who went by the name of Art, had claimed to be a travelling “business development” expert who sold software. He eventually sent pictures of himself to Liza, which she now realises were of someone else entirely.
She also didn’t question his refusal to video conference, although he did call her from time to time. Liza attributed the constantly changing numbers to his switching phone cards as he travelled.
Art’s requests would increase over the months. By around mid-2013, the requests of a few hundred dollars had turned to requests of $500 to $1,500. Even so, Liza continued to send the money.
She explains that at this point, there was wilful suspension of disbelief. She had already sent so much money, and become so invested, that it was almost impossible to say no.
“As I was not in much social contact with anyone, and the amounts were not yet noticeably damaging, no one noticed or stepped in,” Liza says, “And because I sensed my family would disapprove, I didn’t inform any of them.”
But by the end of 2013, the sums that Art were requesting had ballooned; and along with it, his stories and excuses.
“I remember in November 2013, he said he had been arrested and was stuck in Dubai. He needed money for legal help, and to have some important documents for his defence sent over. He needed US$50,000, which he would supposedly pay me back in a month.”
Liza says that she made some half-hearted attempts at verification, asking him to send pictures of documents. All she got were some images of papers claiming bail amounts and his arrests; things he could easily type and print out.
However, Liza found it easy to accept them as genuine:
“I was grasping at straws to justify things to myself,” she says, “So even half-hearted fakes were enough to convince me.”
The “boiling of the frog” in action
There’s an old and incorrect saying that, if you put a frog in a pot of water and gradually raise the temperature, the frog will sit still and boil to death; but if you were to raise the temperature sharply, it would leap right out.
(Please don’t do this. We don’t condone animal cruelty, and vets we’ve asked have assured us that frogs are not that stupid).
This is the principle being used in a compliance scam: the victim is asked for small requests that cost very little effort first. But as they agree to these, bigger requests are made; and a combination of sunk-cost fallacy, and a sense of “progress to the goal,” causes the victim to comply.
This is the same method used in many scams, not just love-scams. The fake lucky-draw scam, for instance, uses the same approach: first asking you to pay small fees to collect your winnings, then increasing the amounts as you seem to come closer to collecting.
Financial instability and loans
Eventually, by early 2014, Art’s requests for money were so excessive that Liza was forced to turn to loans. She was so pressured, she eventually sold the business to a former financier, who fortunately agreed to buy it over.
Even so, the money she received was barely enough to cover the debts Liza incurred. Liza says she broke down and cried, when the month after selling her business, she realised paying off all her debts would leave her with just $223 in the bank.
Eventually, she confessed to her brother that the money was going to her online “boyfriend.”
“Previously I told my family I sold the business as it wasn’t doing well. But there was no way to fool my brother, who was much savvier and was a professional digital marketer. He knew the site was doing well, and knew the same vendors and even some employees who had worked for me.
So in the end he cornered me and I told him the truth. He was a sort of wake-up call, and he stopped me from sending more money.”
Liza says a police report was also made, but she was told it was highly unlikely the money could be recovered.
Recovering with help from former friends
Following the end of the scam, Liza said her one blessing was taking a long break, and re-connecting with friends. She also sought counselling, and began to reframe her situation:
“I had to reframe my image of myself, from a helpless victim to a survivor,” Liza said, “And I began to change the way I saw the scam as well. Today I take it as being an unfortunate event, not functionally different from a sudden market downturn, or a bad acquisition.
That’s not to say I don’t recognise something criminal was done to me; I am aware of it. But I prevent anger and fear from clouding my subsequent decisions, if I treat it as finding a way to recover from a business problem.”
With a mindset that mitigated some of the emotional pain, Liza was able to bounce back to work. She went back to regular employment, with support and letters of recommendation from former friends.
Over the past decade, Liza has built two additional income streams – one from her stock portfolio, and one more from a side-business.
“In a while I may consider turning it into a full-time business,” Liza says, “And this time round I’ll be smarter, and be a more balanced businesswoman. But for the time being, I’ll wait till the market is less volatile, after Covid and the Ukraine war.”
The importance of a healthy social life
Liza says that, when she reads scam stories similar to her own, she notices a common thread:
“Most people who fall for the scams are those who are social isolated,” she says, “It’s not about your level of education, or your IQ, or your income. The vulnerability comes from loneliness – the need to have relevance to the lives of others.
As long as you’re socially isolated, and you lack healthy emotional connections, you are more vulnerable to scammers and con-artists. You can be the best educated and smartest person in the world, but if you’re in a state of heart break or abandonment, you will still fall for emotional manipulation.”
As such, entrepreneurs and high-level business professionals are especially prime targets for scammers. Many such people surrender their social lives in pursuit of their company’s success; and that choice makes it easy for gold-diggers and other romance scammers to worm their way in.
So do stay conscious of your social needs, even as you pursue career or business success. Above all, be wary of a culture that overly praises social sacrifice. Liza says that:
“When you’re an entrepreneur, you’re in a culture that praises you for having no social life or connections; it’s a culture with an “all or nothing’ mentality. But loneliness is a weakness, not a strength. Treat work-life balance as if it’s part of your immune system, against all sorts of parasites.”
For more stories of experience and recovery, or the threats faced by single-digit millionaires, do give us a like or a follow. We also appreciate any comments, and do reach out to us tell us your own stories.
