Most of us say that wealth won’t change us, but a common argument against that is the first golden toilet seat we buy. And while that may be a slight exaggeration, it might well be how your friends see you: unless you live a hermit-like existence in a Shaolin temple, a change in lifestyle almost always follows a change in wealth or income – and that will disrupt your current relationships:
1. You’ll be caught between feeling restricted, and their resentment at your generosity
Once you have more disposable income, you’ll be more inclined to try new things. Suddenly, novelty isn’t the new bak chor mee stall at the market, but an avant-garde omakase dinner that costs the GDP of a small developing country.
Granted, the pace at which this happens is different for everyone.
For some it starts with a slow migration from kopi-peng to a mocha frappe latte, and for others it’s a truly drastic leap (e.g., you start ordering fish at the cai peng store, as it’s only a bit more expensive than your second condo anyway).
In any event, you’ll find your less financially endowed friends start struggling. They can’t take part in the new experiences you want, so they either (1) abandon you to do it yourself, or (2) loathe every invite of yours, as they end up living the rest of the month on rice and soy sauce every time you hang out.
A common reaction among the newly wealthy is to pay for their friends. You don’t want to be deprived of new experiences, but you still want their company – so you cover their meals, pay for their hotels on vacations, etc.
This just makes it worse.
It’s not that they’re ungrateful. It’s just that no one likes to feel dependent. This sort of generosity is often seen as a power play. There’s even a word for that: noblesse oblige.
The world is full of generous rich people. That doesn’t make poorer people happy to be living on a lower rung, or your friends happy to feel like some kind of puppy that you feed and play with.
(And if they don’t feel bad, then they’re definitely not the type of friends you want. Buy them a parting gift of a shovel, and tell them to dig for gold elsewhere).
This leaves you with a conundrum: you either deprive yourself of the new experiences you can afford, or lose your old clique because they can’t keep up financially.
The only possible solution here is to take time off for things you want to do alone, and take time to do other (cheaper) things with them. But here’s the bad news: even using this approach, you should be prepared to grow at least a bit more distant.
2. If you were poor before, a rags-to-riches narrative can turn you into a jerk (usually without you noticing)
Between people who were born rich, and people who became rich, who are more sympathetic to the poor?
If you say it’s the latter, you’re about to disappointed. In many cultures, and we dare say especially Singaporean culture with its meritocracy shtick, the formerly poor are less empathetic and tolerant toward poorer counterparts. There are actual studies that show this.
People who were born rich – what we mockingly like to call the rich man’s son in a local context – tend to be a bit embarrassed about it. This doesn’t mean their attitude to the poor is any less snobbish, as they can be very patronising (see noblesse oblige, above).
But society at least drums into them that they should feel pity for the less fortunate.
If you were poor and became rich, however, you’ve climbed the social mobility ladder. And because you’ve done it, you’re more likely to fall under the impression that it’s possible for everybody. It’s not luck: it’s hard work and preparation right?
But if you believe that, your thoughts and words toward poorer friends start to sound like this:
- You just have a very negative attitude, you should have a more positive mindset
- If I was raised in a (insert family background) and could make it, you should be able to as well
- You’re just lazy and aren’t willing to work hard enough, you need to be more focused and have more passion
We all want to assign virtues to how we rose up the ladder, because statements like “It was blind luck” just aren’t as cool.
So here’s the thing: even if you insist on believing it was 100 per cent passion, intelligence, commitment to the deity of your choice, etc. that brought you financial success, you may want to be aware of how that belief emanates.
Let the mindset run rampant, and poorer friends will leave because they feel a sudden lack of empathy from you.
3. As you get richer, talking about money starts to feel more vulgar, and affects the conversational tone
The surest indicator of Socio-Economic Status (SES) in Singapore is, well, how often you talk about your SES.
Maybe it’s a holdover from being a former British colony, and the Victorian manners that came with it. But as a rule of thumb, rich people find it crass to talk about money. And the wealthier you get, the stronger this cultural inclination can become.
This phenomenon, incidentally, extends to how you handle financial transactions. If you’re upper-middle class or better off (i.e., many of our single-digit millionaires), you’re probably embarrassed when a poorer friend, or partner, asks why you would tip so much to a Grab driver, or give such a big ang pao to your domestic helper.
There’s sometimes a sense of vulgarity, when they raise such issues.
This isn’t great, as it often prevents frank discussions about money. It drives a wedge in the relationship: as you get wealthier, a poorer associate’s (often necessary) penny-pinching may strike you as pettiness or miserliness.
It also creates insinuations where none exist. When someone quips about how rich you are, you’re more inclined to see it as a dig at you, even if it’s a statement of genuine admiration.
(And even if it was a joke about how you gargle bird’s nest every morning, you’re prone to being far more offended than you should be).
Okay, so what can you do about this?
Being self-aware of these factors is a huge step toward reining it in. So if you’ve read this and taken the time to think about it, that’s already going to help.
The other way to deal with it is to stay grounded. Do volunteer work, help retirees clean their flats, be a youth counsellor, etc. But do it without a mentality of “if I could make it so can you.” Aim to serve the community, without blaming the community for needing your help.
Also, whenever you hear “meritocracy” being used as a justification, assume it’s so much bovine excrement until proven otherwise.
You should also follow us on Single Digit Millionaire, as we explore the unusual challenges that come from being not-quite-poor but definitely-not-rich in Singapore. Like you, thousands are sandwiched by a combination of high cost of living, ageing, rising debt, and the stubborn insistence that we can all be crazy rich Asians.
